Lonely Planet

I guess I should really just get used to being alone. Not that I'm not used to it now, what I'm trying to say is, I guess I should just try not to be sensitive with the thought of being alone at all. You know, that state of mind where you just brush the thought off and never get hurt about what people say.

Today, after watching American idol, I was such in a good mood because the episode was really funny.

I went out and saw one of my neighbors staring at me and she said "Keith, tinitingnan kita sa kwarto mo kasi nakabukas naman yung bintana mo… Lam mo bang bawal tumawa nang mag-isa?", and she ended it with a big laugh.

And it all dawned on me that I was smiling and mumbling and talking to myself while I was watching the show--- and my neighbor saw all of it.

I admit, it's cool being single. And it's cool being away from your family, too. The fact that I have my own place, that I cook my own food, and I that I am responsible and accountable for all the decisions that I make feels absolutely right (at this point of my life at least). I can do anything in my place, invite whoever I please.

But I admit, it feels really lonely sometimes. I try to keep myself busy with work, sidelines, projects, shows, hobbies or whatever, but there are times when I would go home with nothing to do but just sit down and feel empty.

Why am I alone?

What would all these hardwork mean when I have nothing to share it with?

After 4 failed relationships, I have kindof gotten used to used to eating alone, watching a movie alone, shopping alone, jogging alone.

And it gets really annoying sometimes. I don’t know, for some reasons, people just LOVE to leave me. No matter how hard I try to make things work, they just quit loving me. Am I that dysfunctional?

Let me give you a picture: My usual day would start at around 4PM. I wake up, cook breakfast, go back to bed and check my emails. At around 6PM, I would shower to prepare for either gym or whatever, or I would decide to jog outside. I would go home at around 9PM to prep up for work. I would spend my day in the office crunching numbers, doing reports, calling people, attending meetings, answering emails. I would be home at around 8AM, check my Facebook, and then I go to sleep. That's how I spend a usual weekday.

Weekends would be typically the same, except that there is more room for sleep instead of work and doing reports. Sunday nights I would go out and drink coffee at my favorite spot at Bo's until they close.

I would sometimes spend time with friends, or hook up with someone or have a beer at Doce, but the lonely feeling comes back as soon as I'm back home alone.

And it took an outsider to make me realize how lonely my life is.