I raise my venti cup--- To moving on.

I'm here at Starbucks with Matet, JJ and their friends. This is one of the places in the world I certainly would like to avoid. I'm sure I'd bump into you here. If I could avoid every bit of possible encounters I would have with you, I would do it. I don't hate you, I just don’t like the awkwardness of our encounters.

But today is different, it's not my show. The venue to which we were gonna have coffee is not something that I have to decide for myself now--- let Matet, the birthday girl decide.

So there I was, smiling, sipping coffee and listening to Rain's awesome stories about his hang-over of the Revenge of the Fallen.

I could feel, deep down, that you were coming.

The next thing I knew, I saw your silhouette from afar. Semi-spiked, brushed up hair, long-sleeves, denim pants. And even if you were like 100 steps away, I could still smell your Armani.

This place marked a special place in my heart. This was where I would usually find us on a Saturday night as you were trying to finish reading up a book you' were so dying to finish alas. And me? I would come at around 9-ish bringing a big bag fresh from the gym, and then I'd put it on the seat beside you, kiss you on the forehead. I would sit down almost the whole night just looking at the people pass by, or just looking at the stars from my seat, or reading the news. And at times I would just stare at you while you were busy reading. I would stare at you and never get tired adoring your eyes and your lips and how I was just too excited to have you on my own as soon as we go home.

Weekends were just about you and me.

I am now seated at this chair where we used to have that one fairy tale romance.

As you passed by you uttered one civil "hi", and I replied with a smile. As I look at you nearing towards the counter to order your usual soy latte, I realized how different we've grown after us. Looking at you now, it seems like I'm looking at a total stranger.

I look at you as a grown man. I am not here to continue on believing on the fairy tale we once started. I look at you no longer with loving eyes. I look at you as a man who has gracefully accepted that some things in this world are just not meant to be.

And if you could just hear my thoughts right now, you could hear me saying thank you. For the love you gave me. For the nights we shared together at this very place. For making me the happiest guy in the world at one point.

I raise my venti cup--- To moving on.

I guess I'll be up and kicking the whole night.

I'm still on sick leave and I'm bored to death. I went out of my room to have dinner at the nearest carenderia. I'm not hungry, but I need to eat something coz I'm still under medication. Instead of going to the carenderia though, I stopped to buy balot.

It's been YEARS since I last ate balot.

I ate one.

And then I added 2 more.

I had three balots all in all and I'm super full.

If stories were true that balot enhances erection, then I guess I'll be up and kicking the whole night. Bwehehe

I'm so gonna grow my hair long back again. Cant wait

I ASKED MYSELF A MAJOR LIFE QUESTION A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.

What's with this show called Boys Over Flowers?

It gets a little bugging when the rest of the world is talking about something you have no idea about. It's almost like I come from Mars and our great leader decides to throw me down to planet earth to learn the simple ways of life of the earthlings .

Let me regress.

Marsian story number 1: I was in the office and my cousin Adong and my friend Janeth were raving over the pictures of this certain Korean/ Taiwanese/ Chinese or whatever guy. I insatntly thought he was cute, the usual face you get to see in Asain Novelas (I don't watch them by the way, I get too annoyed at dubbed flicks).

Then everyone in the office starts to talk about the show called Boys over Flowers. I thought it was a porn movie about a group of boys going gaga over a certain girl's vagina. Turns out I'm just totally perverted coz Boys Over Flowers actually is the newest Asian flick shown every afternoon in the Kapamilya Network.

Marsian Story Number 2: I went down to smoke and heard a couple of girls talking about the same show

Marsian Story Number 3: At lunch break I heard 3 guys talking about it.

Anyway, I had the same agony after a few days from that when I heard my friends talking about a series of episodes, or the guys in the sauna room at the gym, or the janitors in the mall's restroom.

And my Marsian story went on and on and on.

I utter my mantra: Nothing Beats Gossip Girl. I'm sosyal. I'm sosyal. I'm sosyal.

Marsian story number x + 1: My boyfriend is in Bangkok now and the other day, I tried to talk to him via YM and I miss him terribly and he brushed me off coz he's busy watching "Boys Over Flowers".

And then I thought, that’s it! ENOUGH I SAID.

Finally, yesterday my roommate Marcial bought a Boys Over Flowers DVD and I didn’t have any other choice but to watch a few episodes. I was giggling like crazy I instantly recall the days when my bestfriend Rain and I would rave over Meteor Garden and shout "Dao Ming suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, I looooooooooooooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

Now I'm hooked. And I'm having wet dreams romancing Lee Min Ho in sleep.

And I'm so gonna grow my hair long back again. Cant wait.

"I can Imagine you strutting in Ayala with your bumble bee shades"

Now I don’t know what good this 3-day leave is gonna give me, but I'm in my bed now wishing I'm back at my desk working. I'm not THAT addicted to my job, I'm just not a big fan of boredom. If there was one thing that could kill easily, me it would be boredom.

I have been texting forwarded messages to my friends and got a couple of "who's this?". I wasn't surprised. Some of them erased my number from their phones thinking my number is already inactive. I rarely text back coz number 1: I sleep during daytime, and 2. My new phone's not text friendly to people who have chubby fingers (seriously it would take me like a minute just to text "kumusta?")

Keith: Sus, grabe first time jud ni nako na sore-eyes. Sakit man diay ang mata
oi basta sore eyes, malay ko ba. Sige kog hilak kay bati kaayo akong nanwg, mura
kog bullfrog, as in pang-blog material jud akong nanwg run. BATI KAAYO KOG NANWG
TABAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!

JJ: I KNOW!!! I've been there. Bug-at kaayo cya
kay daghan muta. Naa koy naremember na tambal yuth, may kamahalan lang but ayo
jud dayun.Prob is I forgot the name.

Keith: Nag-prescribe na si doc ug
drops and akong gihatagan kog tablets sa akong uncle ganina. Pero sus, bati jud
kaayo akong nanwg, that's the problem. Niadto kog Cebu Doc ganina nya dapat man
jud ko muagi sa Ayala kay adto man ko musakay, BIG SHADES jud ang drama bisag
signal number 1. Gilingi jud ko sa mga taw. Pildi si Lady Gaga.

JJ:
Hahha bitaw, gloomy baya kaayo today. I can Imagine you strutting in Ayala with
your bumble bee shades. Germanotta kaayo!

I couldve just taken the 5 days off and ran

Last Monday I went to the office and my eyes were already itching a bit. They've been itching " a bit" since Sunday morning and that time I thought that it was just because of the booze and the cigarettes that I had that night.

I logged in, answered a few emails and noticed that it was getting itchier and itchier every minute. So I decided to go and get myself checked at our company clinic. I spoke to the doctor briefly, asked me a few questions and later on handed me a piece paper that said:

Acute Conjuncti-chuchu-whatever. Both eyes.

Rest for 5 days.

Call me a martyr but I immediately said, "Doc, don't you think5 days is too long for me to be on sick leave?

Doc: I advise you to stay out of the office because as you know, sore eyes is contagious.

Me: How about 4 days. It's the last month of my sales quarter, my managers will kill me!

Doc: Then let me call your manager. I'll talk to him.

Me: Uhm--- her. Four days doc, I promise I'll be back with my normal dazzling hazel brown eyes, Promezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Doc: Ok, you can come back after 4 days but that's gonna be your check-up. No guarantees that you can come back to work again just yet.

Me: Good, then how about 3 days. I can come and get myself checked in 3 days. I will be well by then for sure.

Doc: Fine. 3 days. No guarantees. Here's your prescription.


As I was walking home, I realized that I couldve just taken the 5 days off and ran. But then I guess some of just love their jobs too much that they forgo how ill they feel and just go on with the day for the love of service. Count me as one of them.

Memoirs Of A Still-In-Denial Aging Popstar

I downloaded Mariah’s new single Obsessed and I didn’t like it. At all. It sounded too processed it felt like eating canned goods for 2 straight months. It sounded like they entered it into a sound machine to come up with a distinct sound. Well it might have worked for Cher and Kanye West but really, it doesn’t justify enough to “process” Mariah’s voice. People!

Going back, the single will now be part of a new album called Memoirs of An Imperfect Angel. I know, I know---the album name sounds like a blog title of some random fag. Hahaha. Why not call this album “Memoirs Of A Still-In-Denial Aging Popstar”?

Heniweys, Mariah’s 12th studio album, "Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel," will be out on August 25 and for the first time I’m not excited.

I’m missing vintage Mariah. The one who had big teeth and whistled a lot. The one who sang ballads only she could render note-perfect. The one who sang those never-attempt-to-sing-this-at-American-Idol-else-you-blaspheme-the-great-mariah-and-you-loser-are-so-gonna-get-voted-off-tomorrow kinds of songs. That’s the kind of Mariah I want to hear again. Shes what? 30-something? She should be back to making the songs she’s really known for.

Just a word of advice from a big fan.

“iho, itabi mo--- ako na”

The Mar Roxas campaign irritates me.

I recall the first time I saw this campaign on TV and I went “whaaaaaaaaaat?”. Seriously I thought it was a joke, I even thought it was some snippets of that week’s Bubble gang episode. Seriously. What’s with this “iho, itabi mo--- ako na” drama.

I wrote something about this when I was in college. If I remember well, it was about “The Philippines as a Personality-Crazed Nation”. In a nutshell, it was my observation on Filipinos having to get so much influence on personalities that politics get tainted with marketing campaigns good or bad. Politicians are sold and advertised like products alongside Surf and Colgate and Jollibee.

Weird enough, no matter what an educated society we consider ourselves to be (with an education rate pegged currently at 92% of our population), the whole thing still works.
Don’t get me wrong. I am a big fan of Mr. Palengke, I personally think he’s a brilliant senator and is currently doing a fabulous job on passing bills relating to subsidized housing among others.
But I think part of being looked upon as a public figure slash role model is the obligation to educate people of the right channels on what to chose and what not.

Tonight I'm gonna be alone.

Tonight I'm gonna be alone.

I'm gonna dance this song alone.
I'm gonna look at myself in the mirror
I'm gonna dance with my reflection
And pretend that I'm not alone in the room

I'm gonna sleep alone
And wrap my own arms around me
And when it gets cold at 4 and all I have is a blanket
I'm gonna tuck myself in like there's 2 of us in bed

Find Me

Disclaimer: I wrote this last week. Or a week from last week, I forgot already. I didnt get to post this though coz my wi-fi sucked. Maybe because of the weather, I'm not exactly sure. This note is important though because I wrote this when we broke up. FYI, we're back again together. It would be a whole lot of waste though if I throw this post away--- after all, it's still one beautiful bullshit. There.

I love you Bun :)

January 2009, after a major break-up.

That was then that point in my life when I went numb at everything. I detached myself from my family, from my closest friends, and all I needed to think of was myself and how I would live my life without having to attach myself to anyone emotionally. I had enough of romance and attachment. The people I love and will love will leave me anyway so why bother? I pictured myself living a life of isolation in the next 50 years or so.

And then you came out of nowhere. I could barely recall the first time I met you. All I could remember was that little spark of hope I found in me when I knew you. You were there and you stayed. And the series of events that followed that no longer felt mechanical. Like all of a sudden, everything in my life went back into place.

I opened chapters and chapters of my life up to you, and at one point you became more like my best friend. You know when to please me, and when to shut up, and when to calm me down, and when to make me laugh. You were kind. And patient. And giving.

But what happened?

I admit, I am not perfect. There were times when I took you for granted. There were times when I nagged too hard, and at some points I purposely made it hard for you to understand me. But that's me. That's my way of putting up my fences on you. That's my way of letting you know how I love you intensely. The cliches prove right--- We kill the ones we love. Sometimes with hurtful words. Sometimes with rules. Sometimes with lies. I got so used to holding your hands that I forgot that one day, you'll choose another path and let me go.

Looks like someone here never learned his lesson.

So I came back running after you. You were no longer there. You chose to turn your back on me and that hurt a lot.

And now I have finally mustered the courage to pick the pieces of my broken self. At this point in my life I could truly attest that I am capable of fixing me after a major crash. I could do it on my own. I don’t need anyone's help. I'm good at this. I've had my heart broken one too many times and I survived.

Today you showed up. With all your reasons. Why now?

If you're here not because you still love me, then just snap off. Don’t call. Don’t text. Don’t email. Don’t YM. Let's just pretend this didn’t happen. Lets just pretend we don’t know each other. Coz I am entitled to my own happiness too. I don’t wanna spend my life chasing you, there's a big world out there for me. But if we bump into each other one day, I prefer we exchange one civil hi-hello. But lets make it sharp. Let's make it quick. And painless.

Because you know what I want. I want you. I want us to work out. But I wont come running after you anymore.

So there, if you love me, you know where to find me. One thing's for sure though. I'm not chasing you this time. Go ahead and find me.

Find me.

I'm not exactly sure what stuff to type so I'm just gonna blah whatever.

I'm sitting here in my bed now and it's totally dark. The only light I could see is the one that comes from my laptop monitor and it's just bright enough for me to see the letters on my keyboard. It's 3PM. I'm supposed to be asleep but for weird reasons I couldn't.

I'm not exactly sure what stuff to type so I'm just gonna blah whatever.

I'm still trying to finish my Palawan article coz a lot of my friends are already asking for it. Sorry guys, I need a few more weeks. I actually had this love-hate relationship with this Palawan article that I'm trying to come up with I have constructed and recosnructed it like 10 times.

Anyways, I got to sleep like 2 hours a while back and that's not good. I have a hunch it's gonna be a toxic Friday shift later. It's payday though so I can afford myself as much as 5 ventis but that's not good. Coffee couldn’t keep me awake anymore. My body has developed resistance to caffeine that I get sleepy after I drink a cup. Weird.

So what perks me up during my shift? Chicharon. There, crucify me.

Anyway, as soon as I woke up I transferred to my laptop some movies that Matet gave me to watch come weekend. But since patience is a virtue I cannot lay claim, I decided to watch one of them anyway. I chose to watch the 80s romantic film Say Something that starred the then teenage John Cusack (who by the way was CUTE beyond wits).

Not bad. The story reminded me of some old Sweet Dreams novels I used to be so addicted with way back. Killer lines I must say--- delicious, young and refreshing. One thing I couldn’t stand were the outfits they wore let alone the hairstyles. lol

I lay in bed beaming with fuzzy thoughts about teenage love. Not MY teenage love, oh please. I happen not to have my own teenage love story to start with. I admit, I was a horny adolescent with lots of scandals that went around on the side but unfortunately I didn’t have any story that came close to qualifying it as a love story. In short, I chose my penis over my heart, is that so bad? I think it's cool.

I decided not to go to the gym today coz it's payday. What's the connection? I'm not excatly sure but I'm glad I get to spend one day off from the gym. I've been working my ass off in the treadmill for the past 5 days. I deserve this.

Oh well, I ought to drop off from here. Thank God it's Friday. And oh, did I mention I lost 5 lbs? Yey.

Have a good weekend, bitches.

I am so panicking.

A wise quote from Daday: (thanks for the coffee by the way...)

The reason why your lovelife sucks now is because you started late. Look at
me. I started bitching since 12. Now I'm happily married. That's because I got
to practice early. Love is like a dance. Practice makes
perfect.

Weekend

What makes a good weekend?


Friends. Food. Good sleep (10 hours minimum). Good conversation. Booze. Boys. And a nice chillax venue to top all that.


I went South of Cebu to explore the wonderful spots in Alegria, Ginatilan and Samboan. I was with my closest friends in the world so the whole experience was nothing but bliss since I’ve never gone out of town with them since our trip to Palawan a couple of months back. These are the type of days that I completely forget about work and gym and dieting, family and financial struggles and all that’s left to mind is myself.


Saturday I went straight from work to the bus terminal to take a 4-hour trip to Alegria. At around 10AM, Carla and my inaanak Cahleil arrived at Batong Malunhaw resot in Alegria, Cebu where the rest of the gang waited for us. We had our breakfast there, stayed briefly and headed straight to Costa Leticia Spa and Resort where we spent the rest of the Day. I think the pictures could very describe well how much fun we had.


Sunday, we had breakfast at the native markets of Ginatilan, roughly 30 minutes from Alegria. We briefly visited their historical church, too (by brief I mean not attending mass at all--- we just cam-whored the whole time). The whole point of the day was just to explore Ginatilan and Samboan, and we did. We stayed at Gorion Resort for some whale watching and snorkeling and whatever, and then we got to visit Inambakan Falls. There were 2 falls in that place but we didn’t bother going to the other one because it was raining and the roads were risky.
All in all we certainly got to do pretty much everything we really wanted to do from the places we visited.


Sunday afternoon we headed home and got back to the city at around 9PM. I went straight to party with my cousin Adong--- the usual amusing Sunday routine we have (minus the coffee coz we didn’t have money--- payday is yet a week away). We had the usual fun at Doce. I chose not to party on Saturdays since I discovered that Sundays at Doce are the best--- it’s when my gay friend and ex-neighbor Ron takes offer the DJ booth and plays all the Madonnas and Mariahs and Spice Girls and Kylies and Beyonces. If I’m a complete stranger to you and you see me dancing “Who Do You Think You Are”, you’d instantly assume I got possessed by evil spirits. To give you a clue, try imagining Rica Peralejo in Tatarin--- I’m worse. Going back, I met this awesome guy from Dubai. Killer dance moves. Remarkable biceps. Abs to die for. Awesome sex the day after but that’s another story.

Karma's a Bitch

There’s something about having an awesome weekend that scares me. Almost always (and this is based on mere observation), every time I have a great time on a weekend, the weekdays that follow that would suck.


Today, I have conceded to the validation that this is indeed true. It world of karma has unfolding right before my very eyes again.


Karma Number 1: While I was at the bar, I went to the comfort room to check if I still looked okay. I was checking myself in the mirror when I noticed this black guy twice my size and twice my height went inside the cubicle. He left the door open. There was a point when I noticed that he wasn’t really peeing so I checked. There I saw him looking at me, his pants hanging so low below his knees that from my point of perspective it looked like he was just wearing a shirt and nothing else. And right before my eyes I saw his tool hanging between his legs and he smirked when he saw my reaction. I looked surprised at the size of his big tool and he seemed to enjoy my reaction. I, however, didn’t enjoy the experience of standing there frozen and unable to figure out what to do next. I was stood there, amazed, astonished, astounded, flabbergasted, dumbfounded, stunned and shocked at the size of his dick. It was more or less the size of a mineral water bottle, and to top that, he wasn’t hard yet. This guy's dick is undeniably the 8th wonder of the world!


As I stood there dumbfounded, he grabbed my hand and placed it in his tool, and his other hand was grabbing my shoulder. I’m a big guy but he was BIGGER that I felt like a rag doll under his control. I struggled to let go as he murmured “give me your number”. I immediately replied “I don’t have a phone”. Crazy coz my right had was holding my phone so I didn’t just look weak, I looked stupid. He then said “Since you’re not giving me your number, I’m just gonna follow you wherever you go then”. I stood there startled and unable to let go of his grip as it was as pointless as Mini-me fighting Dennis Rodman. The door opened and another guy came in. The black guy let go and went out while fixing pants.


Karma Number 2: I went home today after a toxic Monday shift. I had just 4 hours of sleep the other night so I promised myself one super long slumber. At around an hour after I heard noises in the roof. That was when I recalled that today the carpenter was supposed to drop by and fix the roof. He will be fixing the whole half day. I went to the gym instead coz I couldn’t satnd the banging and the clanging and all the construction worker conversation.


Karma Number 3: I went to the gym and spent some time to relax in the sauna. Prior to that, while I was preparing my towel and my undies, I noticed this guy came in. He was tall and VERY attractive, reminded me of Zanjoe Marudo actually. My gaydar told me the guy was straight so I didn’t pay much attention. I went to the sauna and spent like 10 minutes inside until the door opened and there Zanjoe entered wearing black trunks that hung below his awesome abs. He just stood so I also stood up. He was more or less 5’10”. I’m 5’7” so I stood there wearing my imaginary high heels (I usually do that when I’m with a guy taller than me). We spent the next 5 minutes just stealing glances at each other, reason enough for me to assume he’s gay. But then nothing happened and the steam was burning my cheekbones so I went out to douse off. When I came back, I was took a quick glance and was surprised to see his crotch area having what looked like a hard-on. I’m not good at situations like this so I spent the next 5 minutes not doing anything despite him throwing the naughtiest glances. After a few minutes, another guy came in. We were no longer alone in the sauna so I dropped the whole thing off.


Karma Number 4: I got a call from my sister in the US last night. We had the weirdest conversation coz I was really tired from work. She told me she was putting up an engineering firm and she’s hiring me. That meant one thing: I’m going to the US anytime soon. For good. Looks like someone is going to say “goodbye Pinas” anytime now. *sighs*


Karma Number 5: Hell week at work again. We are right at the last 2 weeks of the second sales quarter and my workload is crazy. I just got an email from IS Support earlier that I have exceeded my email storage. I have been getting tons of emails I don’t know which ones to answer first.


Karma Number 6: It’s 2 days away from payday and I am trying sooooo hard to budget what’s left in my wallet. You’ll find it amazing but I have P100. I ate earlier, spent P30 so I have P70 left. I bought 5 sticks of cigarettes and some snacks so I have P60. At one point a while back I said to myself “P60 should be enough--- it can last me till Friday morning and then by Friday lunch the pay would come in so I am right on track, woohoo Keith, good job!”. And then an announcement came. We were supposed to chip in P50 for an officemate’s birthday cake tomorrow. That now leaves me empty.



I am now sitting at my cubicle wishing it was payday and thinking of happy thoughts. Happy thoughts--- that’s all I have.

For now, I shall face life butt-naked

June 15, 2009. Another failed relationship for me.

I am currently back in the market again and my friends do not know anything about it. Weird enough, they don't read my blog anymore so they wouldn't have a clue at what's going it. I prefer to have it this way, I'm not complaining AT ALL. I guess they're so full of all my beautiful bullsh*ts already--- they hear about it almost everyday, I whine about my problems every single moment of our lives together that I bet they don't want one more bit of a story of my crappy lovelife.

Crap. Crap. Crap. My love life is full of crap.

I have been changing lovers 5 times since my major break up last December. That’s almost like 1 boyfriend every month. If I earn a million from every failed relationship I had in the past, I'd be super rich. Easy-weezy math.

But whoever said break-ups were easy must be one total a**hole. I admit, some of my failed relationships weren't that serious anyway, but every break-up leaves me with the biggest emotional grudge against myself. Right now, I have the hugest question marks in my forehead. Is there something wrong with me? Do I love too much? Should I still continue on believing in the inner goodness of men? Should I still believe in the magic of love? Is it ever practical to still hold on believing that SOMEONE out there is capable of loving me at all?

A friend of mine once told me that having relationships is like looking for that perfect pair of jeans.

Sometimes, you go out on a weekend and find a pair of jeans that are on sale. You think that pair is good enough so you buy it. Anyway, the whole thing is on sale. You could imagine the gazillion tops and shoes and belts you can pair it up with. Your eyes would sparkle from the thought of having a good find. A nice pair of jeans that fits your bottom perfectly is gold mine.

After a week, you finally use the jeans and you find out that the butt area doesn't fit that well. It's too tight. And you start to think it's too short. And it makes your legs look annoyingly big. Like Beyonce big.

You start to think that the jeans weren't for you anyway. After a few days you place it at the bottom drawer along with the other jeans that you initially thought were good.

Sometimes (well it happened to me LOTS of times) I bought jeans that didn't fit me at all. Like I usually save it for the day I could finally lose my much-awaited, almost-impossible 20 lbs off. I just wanted to have it, and I would beam at the thought of the day I finally get to wear it. Then the 20 lbs never came off no matter what killer diet you try. The jeans just lie untouched in your closet and come Christmas, you give it to a friend. Or a stranger. You shed one little tear as you hand it over knowing that it never worked for you and that pair of jeans.

And sometimes, you find that perfect pair of jeans in the mall. And then you convince yourself that it's not the perfect time to splurge. There is a perfect season for jeans hunting and today is not the day. You go home a bit regretful coz whew, those jeans were awesome. So you finally get to convince yourself to buy it anyway. You rush back to the mall and find out that the jeans were no longer there. Someone else had it. The next month you see someone else sporting on those jeans and you just wanted to die at that very moment.

So there. My life is a search for the perfect pair of jeans. If regrets were a dagger, I might have already died with 50-something stab wounds.

For now, I shall face life butt-naked hoping that someday I'll bump into that perfect fit.

Someday.

One more shot of tequila please.

One shot of tequila…

This sucks. I sit down empty.

One more shot of tequila please.

If you know me well as person, you'll know that I'm never really a hard drinker. I drink beer occasionally and that's it. Alcohol could never solve problem, nor does it give you the answers. The thought of the agony of a hang-over the next day is excruciating enough. But tonight is different.

One more shot of tequila please.

I feel it warming my gut, and tears start to fill up my eyes. I let out a sob. My friend pats me in the back and I'm trying trying so so so hard not to cry even more. I'm gonna cause a scene and it's not gonna be cute. Nonetheless, my emotions took the better of me.

One more shot of tequila please.

I had a million questions in my head. I try to keep an open mind on everything but the more I come up with possibilities, the more I get confused. Why? I never expected this. Is there no love in the world for me? Am I jinxed?

One more shot of tequila please.

Why do heartaches have to come more than once? I've had enough heartaches up my sleeves already. Look, I'm just an ordinary guy okay? I don't need to learn and experience all these trials coz it's not like I'll make a career as a love guru one day, duh. I feel stupid.

One more shot of tequila please.

If I could just hold his hand right now. If I could just give him a good reason to stay. Why can't you stay anyway? Is it the sex? Am I getting too fat? Do I snore too loudly in bed? Do I nag worse than your mother? Is it because I don't play Sims like you?

One more shot of tequila please.

My friend pats me at the back again. I let out one big cry of defeat. Enough, I said. I'd like to think I'm all cried out but hell I'm not yet done. I can’t stop. You said it would be easy for us to part ways. You've got a life, I've got mine--- it'll be easy to move on. How can it when I'm seriously in love with you? Wait where's my cell?

One more shot of tequila please.

The bottle's almost done but I still haven't found the answers. No please, not one more bottle. I turned and saw the bar people looking at me. The stupid craptards gave me a sympathetic look I want to spit at their faces. Go dance and leave me alone.

One more shot of tequila please.

I'm starting to feel dizzy. This is crazy. I never saw this sh*t coming. I thought we were gonna end up happy together. Turns out you're not the one and I'm back to the old crap I once knew. I thought I learned.

One more shot of tequila please.

My friend pats me at the back again. I'm finally done crying. My sobs are making me more dizzy so I have to stop. My friend starts to say the same old litany I heard a couple of years back--- "I know why this is--- he's too intimidated by you. I mean look at you--- you're young, smart and attractive--- Kitiboi he doesn't deserve you". At this point I wanna puke. These lines make me puke.

One more shot of tequila please.

I still haven't found the answers, and at any point I'm gonna snap. I've got tequila coming out of my nose and it's not good. One thing is for sure though. It's time to end this crap--- it's time to let go. It's time to put it all behind me. One day I'll grow so numb and I'll recall this day and laugh at how stupid I was.

I hope that day's gonna be tomorrow. Or any day next week.

God make it really soon.

But for now---

One more shot of tequila please.

I had multiple orgasms listening to Claire dela Fuente's "Sayang"

I will be off to the province later to bond with my old friends. Crazy week this is. This is the 2nd time this week that I have given myself a chance to get away from the noise of city life. I need to recover. The past few weeks have been really cruel and I could not take one more inch moving on if I don't take a step back and reflect on the things that's going on with my life right now.

Summer's over. I have had the greatest summer ever. EVER. I think I've said this the gazillionth time in this blog it gets pretty annoying I know. Somebody stop me.

I had the greatest summer ever.

And to give it a proper farewell, I went out the other day to get myself a cute new rash guard and Billabong surf shorts. I know it sounds weird coz summer won't be back till next year. They went out on sale and I just could not resist not buying them. I have to. I shall now be welcoming the rainy season with a happy heart and an empty wallet. I couldn't care less. I'm just not gonna eat much till the next payday. I now have visions of myself gorging on the free coffee in the office. The thought doesn’t hurt, it's a double wammy either way.

I welcome donations by the way. Conscience people!

I haven't blogged for the past few days coz I haven't really had the motivation to write beautiful bullshits for the longest time. There aren't any actually. I have just contented myself listening to the cheesy OPM mp3 files that a friend of mine gave me. Weird enough I had multiple orgasms listening to Claire dela Fuente's "Sayang".

one the biggest regrets in my life

I'm never ever gonna watch a horror movie again.

Hubby and I went out to watch a movie last Sunday. It was a split-second decision, and it really wasn't part of the whole weekend plan. I just wanted to chill and stay home after going to church.

We watched Drag Me To Hell and it was one the biggest regrets in my life. I'm freaking out until now. I'm not a fan of scary movies and if I ever have a chance to avoid watching them I would. This time I obliged. Hubby offered to pay so why not? I was beaming when I went inside the movie house. That was the first movie we watched together so the series of mechanical events prior to sitting down and actually watching the movie was a heavenly experience. I totally forgot I was about to watch a scary movie.

I am now in hell. The movie is haunting me and I feel like I'm back to that time at gradeschool when I would freak out everytime I remember The Visconde massacre. I had nightmares since Sunday. Call me a whack but I got so immersed with the movie I could see shadows and hear voices in our kitchen. Or at the office comfort room. One time I went out of the bathroom running and my towel dropped. I went to church yesterday morning.

I'll be back to my sane self in a few weeks. Weeks, people, I mean how pathetic is that?

Happy Birthday Yuthhhhhh!

As far as I know, there's only one person gayer and more fabulous than Adong and me combined.... bwehehe.

Happy Birthday, Yuth!

Asthma

I'm back to having asthma attacks and I'm freaking out. I've never had asthma since what, 8 years? I got rid of it when I had my ROTC training back in college and completely lost it when I started working out.

I still have an active lifestyle today so definitely it's not due to underactivity.

It's smoking.

I have got to quit smoking before things go worse. I'm freaking out. I've got tears coming out of my nose right now. I'm TOTALLY freaking out. My boyfriend is kinda losing sleep coz I've been coughing all night (he denies it, he says he slept well but he's groggy the whole day). Poor Bunster.

I finally say goodbye to my last stick. My last puff. I'm gonna miss you, Marlboro… :)