Find Me

Disclaimer: I wrote this last week. Or a week from last week, I forgot already. I didnt get to post this though coz my wi-fi sucked. Maybe because of the weather, I'm not exactly sure. This note is important though because I wrote this when we broke up. FYI, we're back again together. It would be a whole lot of waste though if I throw this post away--- after all, it's still one beautiful bullshit. There.

I love you Bun :)

January 2009, after a major break-up.

That was then that point in my life when I went numb at everything. I detached myself from my family, from my closest friends, and all I needed to think of was myself and how I would live my life without having to attach myself to anyone emotionally. I had enough of romance and attachment. The people I love and will love will leave me anyway so why bother? I pictured myself living a life of isolation in the next 50 years or so.

And then you came out of nowhere. I could barely recall the first time I met you. All I could remember was that little spark of hope I found in me when I knew you. You were there and you stayed. And the series of events that followed that no longer felt mechanical. Like all of a sudden, everything in my life went back into place.

I opened chapters and chapters of my life up to you, and at one point you became more like my best friend. You know when to please me, and when to shut up, and when to calm me down, and when to make me laugh. You were kind. And patient. And giving.

But what happened?

I admit, I am not perfect. There were times when I took you for granted. There were times when I nagged too hard, and at some points I purposely made it hard for you to understand me. But that's me. That's my way of putting up my fences on you. That's my way of letting you know how I love you intensely. The cliches prove right--- We kill the ones we love. Sometimes with hurtful words. Sometimes with rules. Sometimes with lies. I got so used to holding your hands that I forgot that one day, you'll choose another path and let me go.

Looks like someone here never learned his lesson.

So I came back running after you. You were no longer there. You chose to turn your back on me and that hurt a lot.

And now I have finally mustered the courage to pick the pieces of my broken self. At this point in my life I could truly attest that I am capable of fixing me after a major crash. I could do it on my own. I don’t need anyone's help. I'm good at this. I've had my heart broken one too many times and I survived.

Today you showed up. With all your reasons. Why now?

If you're here not because you still love me, then just snap off. Don’t call. Don’t text. Don’t email. Don’t YM. Let's just pretend this didn’t happen. Lets just pretend we don’t know each other. Coz I am entitled to my own happiness too. I don’t wanna spend my life chasing you, there's a big world out there for me. But if we bump into each other one day, I prefer we exchange one civil hi-hello. But lets make it sharp. Let's make it quick. And painless.

Because you know what I want. I want you. I want us to work out. But I wont come running after you anymore.

So there, if you love me, you know where to find me. One thing's for sure though. I'm not chasing you this time. Go ahead and find me.

Find me.